Going to counselling when your partner won’t come

You have suggested counselling, maybe more than once. Your partner has said no, or “We don’t need that,” or “We can sort it out ourselves,” or simply changed the subject. Meanwhile you are still struggling, and you are not sure what to do next.

This is a very common situation, and a lonely one. But you do not have to wait for your partner to be ready before getting support for yourself.

Why partners say no

People are reluctant for all kinds of reasons. They may feel embarrassed, or worry that counselling means admitting failure. They may fear being blamed, or outnumbered. Some have had a bad experience before, with a counsellor or with a well-meaning relative who tried to settle things. Others grew up in families where personal matters were never discussed outside the home, and talking to a stranger feels wrong.

There can also be worry about what family, friends or church members might think. Understanding these fears can help you talk about counselling more gently, and take your partner’s reluctance a little less personally.

What coming alone can offer

Coming on your own is not second best. It gives you space to understand your own feelings, reactions and patterns, without having to manage your partner’s response in the room. You can talk openly about what is happening at home and think through your options with someone who is not caught up in it.

Individual counselling can help you:

• respond more calmly in conflict, rather than reacting on autopilot
• understand what you need and say it more clearly
• notice your own part in difficult patterns
• make decisions from a steadier place

At Marriage Matters International, individual support is available when a partner is not ready to attend.

When one of you starts responding differently, the pattern between you has room to change.

Will it change the relationship?

There are no guarantees. But a relationship is a two-way thing, and when one person changes how they respond, the pattern between you often shifts too. Conversations may go differently when you are calmer, clearer or less defensive. Sometimes a partner who refused to come notices those changes and becomes more open to joining later.

Coming alone can also help you notice what you have been carrying by yourself, and what you want for your own life, apart from what your partner does or does not do.

Telling your partner

You do not need your partner’s permission to look after yourself, but it usually helps to be open about it. Keep it simple and calm. “I’ve decided to talk to someone about how I’ve been feeling. It’s for me, not to complain about you.” Pick a quiet moment rather than the middle of a disagreement, and expect a little defensiveness at first.

Try not to use counselling as a threat or a weapon in arguments. If they ask questions, answer honestly, and leave the door open for them to join if they ever want to. Quoting your counsellor at your partner during a disagreement is best avoided too, as it can make them feel judged by someone they have never met.

If you do not feel safe

If your partner’s behaviour leaves you feeling frightened or unsafe, your safety comes first. Counselling is not an emergency service. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.

Taking the first step

If you have been waiting for your partner to be ready, it may be worth asking whether you need to keep waiting. You do not have to have decided anything about your relationship to begin. A free 30-minute clarity call is a simple way to talk through what is happening and whether individual support could help you now.