What to expect from your first couples counselling session

Deciding to try couples counselling is a big step. For many people, the hardest part is not the session itself but the uncertainty beforehand. What will we be asked? Will the counsellor take sides? What if we end up arguing in front of them?

Every counsellor works a little differently, and every couple is different too. But most first sessions have a few things in common, and knowing them can take some of the nerves away.

Before you book

You can begin with a free 30-minute clarity call with a member of the Marriage Matters International team. It is a chance to ask questions, describe briefly what is going on and think about which kind of support would suit you. You do not need to have everything worked out first.

When you are ready to book, availability is confirmed first and payment instructions are sent afterwards. A standard session is one hour. Sessions can be virtual, wherever you are in the world, or in person in Lagos with Grace Owotoki, our Family Life Therapist.

Settling in

A first session usually begins with some practical things. Your counsellor may explain how they work, how confidentiality is handled and what you can expect from the sessions ahead. This is a good moment to ask about anything you are unsure of.

It is normal to feel awkward at the start. Some couples are nervous, some feel a little defensive, and some have had a tense conversation on the way. None of that will surprise your counsellor.

Telling your story

Much of a first session is about understanding what has brought you here. You will probably each be asked to describe, in your own words, what is happening in the relationship and what you hope will change. Your counsellor may also ask how you met, what has been good between you, and what each of you brings from the family you grew up in.

You will each have space to speak. A good counsellor will make sure one person does not dominate, and will not take sides. Their role is to understand you both, and the pattern between you, rather than to decide who is right.

If faith is important to you, it is fine to say so early on. It is part of your story, and Grace Owotoki’s work includes support for God-centred relationships.

Feeling nervous before a first session is normal, and it does not mean you are in the wrong place.

What a first session is not

A first session is unlikely to resolve everything. It is the start of a process. You may leave feeling relieved, or tired, or a little stirred up. All of those reactions are normal.

It is not a test you can pass or fail, either. Nobody should push you to say more than you are ready to. If something is too painful to discuss yet, you can say so.

Some couples find it useful to share, on the way home or after logging off, one thing that stood out for each of them.

Practical things that help

• For a virtual session, find a private space where you will not be overheard or interrupted.
• Check your connection and device beforehand, and keep a charger nearby.
• Arrange childcare if you can, so you are both free to focus.
• Give yourselves a little quiet time afterwards rather than rushing straight back to work.

Counselling is not an emergency service. If anyone is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.

After your first session

Change in counselling usually takes more than one conversation, so many couples choose to book a series of sessions. Five-session packages are available at a saving if that suits you. Whatever you decide, turning up together for that first hour already says something about how much the relationship matters to you both.